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  • Writer's pictureDINA HAWTHORNE


Updated: Sep 3, 2020

Elijah-Alavi (3 years old)

Ayudame Dios - God Help Me!

~How loud can I scream before anyone will hear me? I was just getting ready to launch myself into the world, “Dina Hawthorne, remember my name” and I was excited about taking my boys out of the country with me. We were going to go to Europe, and I was going to drag them all over the place with me, of course this needed precise planning as both of my boys are extremely - fatally allergic to food most people can swallow down without ever thinking, “man one bite and I will be dead.” The little one, well he had Asthma, which made his condition always critical. But this didn’t stop me from allowing him to be a child and play like others, (of course, with all his medication on standby and all playtime - timed) man, I was ready to take on the world with my babies and it was special to me. I wanted to be able to tell em’ one day, “ Boys, with the right amount of planning and awareness of yourself and conditions, you never have to worry about whether or not there is a place in the world for you and especially for you - Ela.” I can hear his giggle and his very little big boy voice, “mommy, okay.” I was annoying and I was mommy and it was my responsibility to protect them from harm and danger, as I thought.

"I am the big brother?" Sebastin asked. -2016- (Photo from personal collection)

~November 3rd, 2017, on a rather brisk afternoon, I never thought I wasn’t going to give my baby boy dinner and watch a movie as I promised him. I never thought his brother wouldn’t be able to share his lunch with his brother; he always saved a little something-something for him after school. I never ever thought I would have to call his father and tell him, “ I am sorry, I dropped the ball, I couldn’t protect our son.” Instead, I said, “ I’m sorry….but…”, the words wouldn’t leave my mouth because I don’t think my mind nor my body was ready to face the reality, my little guy wasn’t coming home with me tonight.

~Was I a fool for making promises I couldn’t keep? I entrusted other people to care for my son, I kept him alive and all it took was “TWO WHOLE FUCKING DAYS” for them to take him away from his family (I should have edited out the profanity, but this is how I feel at the moment). One bite killed my son and damn near almost killed me too. I held my son in my arms and I rocked him back and forth. He looked like he was sleeping, was he really DEAD! I put him down and in a matter of seconds, my body grew cold and stiff, I passed out. I never saw when they moved his body and neither did I ever see his body again. I felt like a fucking failure. I definitely didn’t think breathing was an option anymore, then I was reminded I have another son and he too needs me. I prayed that evening, “God help me, ayudame!”

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